A Shared Privacy (?)

This is private.


Please don’t read any further


I write of what I can not speak aloud. I talk into the empty spaces


There’s hardly a day that goes by, even now, even when so many years have passed, there’s hardly a day that passes.


Are you still here? You shouldn’t be. Please      leave          me


Those times you would ring. You left me breathless more hopeless less much less. Those late night calls. Long slurred conversations of regret. Of short term intentions and plans and. The silence. And. All I could hear would be your breathing. As if in sleep. And I’d press that phone hard to my ear. And my heart would beat for you my brother.


And you would call. And I’d listen to your soft words. And I’d will you to continue. And when my words were words and nothing nothing more to you. I’d will you to, and not to. And we would listen to each other. In our different places. From our different places.


This is too hard to bare. Please.       go 






I’ve some bad news. I’m so sorry R took his own life. He’s dead.








I’m falling now. Don’t catch me. You can’t


If each floor was a year you would not have completed your journey yet. That day. Seeing further than I ever could. That day you stepped free. Started a new.


Air leaves my lungs. Winded. I ache. I ache. I.       There’s a noise. Its small. I can not understand it.


Where. Where. How. When. Why. Wherehowwhenwhywhere. Shut. Down. Slide. The floor is cold. I feel it. But I don’t. I don’t know it yet. But I don’t feel. It. I. Feel. The emptying


Breathing now. That noise. That small noise, its leaking from inside of me. It still is




Suicide is now the biggest killer of young men in the UK. Statistics show that the numbers rise significantly each year. 

On average there are three young male suicides every single day in Britain.








9 thoughts on “A Shared Privacy (?)

  1. Well, you had to know that someone like me would go on reading.
    I’m so sorry Kit. I’ve lost people close to me to suicide, but not a brother. I cannot imagine the pain of such a loss. Cruel irony, but your writing is powerful.

  2. My heart goes out to you. This is a very moving and very powerful message. My grandfather committed suicide. It haunted my father for the rest of his life. Several other members of our family have attempted suicide. ~ Dennis

    • Dennis, thank you for reading and understanding.

      One of the strongest visual memories I have of my brother is of him standing in the front room of my parents house. He’s just walked in from working on a farm, sun bleached eyelashes, teeth smile wide and white. He’s happy. That’s what I use to push away the memory of emptying his 14th floor flat. Those dividing walls have no more substance than time.

  3. I know that empty. The loss of feeling. Of course I kept reading; I speak the language…. we belong to the same club. In different places, but the same space .. and yes, it is cathartic. You write, I’ll read.

    • Clocks tick the passing of time. And my feet rhythmically beat the path or turn the wheel. And there are periods when I loose myself. Then. Of a sudden, current landscape’s are replaced and childhood scenes replay in innocence. An improvised tent. A shared bike ride home. A shared bed. Such things as these are a happy sad joy. I weep now for the inability to bridge his sadness

      The same space the same club

      The sun shone today and that is good!

      Thank you for reading

  4. I read, I understand. This was haunting.

    In 1990 I lost my eldest brother, who raised me. Not to suicide. But suddenly and without warning.

    In a sense I’ve been lost ever since. 24 years. I’m waiting to heal.

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